Weak sign

Yesterday I was sobbing dari tengahari, petang, bawak ke malam, dan bawak ke tidur..


Pukul 2am baru tidur.


I was angry.


and frustrated.


so bila 830am punya meeting dengan my boss or let call him now the "higher authority", I was provoking him on his decision. sambil mata tu merah dan kejap2 i keluar kesat air mata.


air mata geram.


tak nak surut plak air mata tu.


haha! giler bodoh la kan, ko nak nangis depan ceo ekekekeke! it shows your weaknesses!


I think ceo maybe terkejut dengan reaction aku. haha ambekkk ko ingat aku tak lemah???


hahaha!


Mata merah tapi garang haha. soklan2 aku macam ni,

"why do you NOT have the confidence enough to push this back to xx dpt. they are also direct report to you?"

bila dia kata board of directors are pleased with our changes in "whatever that I undertake", i rebutted him with "yes but that sentiment is not shared with people on the floor" yelah sebab semalam hr share ngan aku yang it is not effective "breathing down the neck" of the head of dept and sadly still "not much changes". hampeh kan ? so aku naik angin dari semalam, ha amekkk aku provoke terus ceo.. just to be synical about it.


at least now 2 others manager understand and get the message directly from the "higher authority".


lantak.


the closing remarks aku ialah..bila dia kata "bear in mind kalau u buat "kerja lain" you will still facing the hod and it is equally tuff... " and i said "just because i cried infront of you does not mean I cd not do the job" hahahahahahahaha!


kan? aku tak senyum pun! aku tak marah pada dia. but I am just making a BIG statement supaya kedua manager lain tu dengar dan boleh la ko nak gossip2 liar kat bawah tu.

Project Kids and Cooking

Aku baru jer berjanji nak jadik ibu yang mithali..

 

In a way Allah bagi aku dekat sebulan medical leave was a good way to do the improvement. I am so much happier, the kids was also more.... well managed.

 

Tapi, once I get back to work. Janji2 tu semua, menjadi janji2 palsu.

 

I am so into the job. So sometimes, nak balik pukul 5pm jadik 6pm, jadik 8pm... So plan cooking guna air tangan dengan doa2 semua tu pun dah masuk dalam bakul sampah balik...apatah lagi nak read to them bagai....

 

Aku pun tak pahamlah....kemana perginya my determination. Why am i still putting priority to my work.

 

Masa drive semalam I was just thinking. dalam pada aku bersedih kehilangan the key personnel dalam company tu, aku tak ada mood, aku demotivated, aku still on the go jugak. Tak adanya nak slow down...

 

Why?

 

Macam it's an auto reflect gitu.

 

I am not sure whether I can train myself to slow down and shift my gear on work and start to focus on other priority other than work.

 

Or maybe conciously I am waiting for the oscar and right after that I will shift my gear and adjust accordingly?

 

I am still figuring this out.

The Oscar part 2

The problem with "outspoken" or "speak my mind" person, they say their piece there and then.

Most of the timelah.

I am not sure if "the oscar" is still bothering me.

It was surely the hormone at that particular time.

When I get back to work, I am back on the game.

I heard that a lot of incidents of "whatever I heard during my medical leaves" are not true anyway...

This particular person called me during my sick leave telling me of his concerns over the new org chart.

and ding ding ding! It means whatever his plan was and whoever the ally recommended him to, it just doesn't come out as plan. By calling me, it shows of his vulnerability. So there you go! Allah helps me with my doubts.

So after that, I just go, go and go.

What is there to worry, Allah is here, as long as you are doing the right thing with the right intention.

 

One day, all of sudden, the "higher authority" was telling me he has concerned over this person's project. Ok so the true color of this person has slowwwwly been shown by the person himself. We were so contemplating on telling things about him to the right people. I personally wouldn't want to be known as gossiper or "backstabbing b*tch". Not nice.

There are reasons behind my worry. Integrity.

With few incidents of him, we, (macam gaius dalam merlin la , ala2 advisor hehe) felt that there might be some issues on integrity with this person.

A person with integrity issues, are not the best candidates to be in the management team. It will harm the management later.

Sometimes, some people can really put up a fake front to make the others believe that you are good, can be relied on and so on... that is the problem during interview sessions. Once this type of person knows that he has the power or he has made power connection with the right people, there goes. The true color shown.

 

So sad right? Why do you put so much effort to do that? Isn't it better if you channel it to be continuously on your toes and help the organization and staff grow?

Hmm... heavy stuff to wonder.

The oscar

Hehe....

If you think that I am going to write about the academy award 2013, my apology, I won't. However, what I am going to write here is inspired by it.

I was listening to the morning radio show today and they are talking/reviewing about the oscar winners.

And I was thinking...... "I am worrying about getting "the oscar" too".

Years of working or months of working in a project.

Personal time being sacrificed.

Family being affected by your lack of time.

Your emotion being affected and so on.


All are similar.


I will get assessed too. And I need the oscar. The recognizition, the award and the acknowledgement.

Most of all, I need the increment. It is a material thing that would benefit my family.

It is the ability to further improve our living quality. At least, they are being rewarded indirectly for their sacrifices "on the lack of me" around.

During my sick leaves, with the unstable hormone, something happenned in the office that worries me (at that time). I am not sure why I worried. it is Allah who will give me everything that I want. But I was still worried.

Sampaikan I could not rest well. Dahsyat sungguh.

ok sambung...

Kids : Reading project

I have decided that 2013 will be the year to "continue" developing and nurturing the kids. No more focusing on career. 

For the record, I did try homeschooling them when I was a full time housewife back in Singapore. At that time DD was 5 years old and DS is 3 years old. It was still easy at that time. I just have to be creative that was all.

For the record and to show how kiasu I was "once upon a time", DD was enrolled to swimming class at 8 mths old up to 2 years old ker 3 years old. 

DD was also enrolled in Gymboree class when she was merely 6 mths old.

DD was also in Al-Amin weekend madrasah @ tampines at 3 years old kot or was it 4 years? Tak silap 4 years dia dah masuk PPIS @ Bukit Batok.

She went to ballet class for 3 years and get her intermediate certificate. And then we stopped when she was in standard 2 tak silap.

She was also enrolled in personal home (bukan my home tapi teacher tu punya rumah) piano class for 6 mths (sbb teacher dia ada PMS huhu)...

and then there was "problems". The problems started when DD was 5 years old actually and it carries forwards. At first I was still able to do hadith memorization with her and DS but then it got worst when she was 6 years old and now, my effort came down to nearly zero. Nothing at all.

I was really focusing on my career and getting back on my feet. 

I did wrote here or was it in another blog, since we move here we have never been to any library either. Because it is just not convenient and I can't find it nearby. 

Until yesterday. 

Tak plan nak pergi library. Plan nak pergi wedding. The wedding was at Wisma Sejarah opposite IJN. Baru tau, situlah Istana Budaya and Perpustakaan Negara.

So I hope it will be a new beginning for us. I have to start buat schedule since now I have become very very forgetful.

DD. We pick up a very junior book for her. "Me and my monsters" series tak silap. A very simple english.  At first she said she could not understand. (I was disappointed) but then I think for a start, lets concentrate with pronunciation. and that works. What surprise me was.... she can read with right pronunciation 90% of the time. Which is so GOOD since we haven't been reading for years!!! (eh, I pernah buat reading chart of who read the most 2 years back tapi short lived sebab I sibuk..) I compliment her and I see that she is 3rd quarter into the book already. so that is the trick I guess. "good parenting skill in progress..."

But I need to make a note here. They were SUPER excited when they know we are going to the library. But when we got there, I was SUPER disappointed as they did not pick up any book. Instead they want to do the "hypermedia" activities... GRR...

Anyway, I register for myself dan pinjam buku for them. For 1 person, I can only borrow 3 books. (in Jurong East library 1 person 5 ke 6 buku entah. huhu...) 

DS. I pick up a chinese story book. Looks simple but no pinyin so it would be a practice for him. However, to get him warm up and excited, I did borrow chinese "comic book" for him. He did not want to put down the book when we were in cafeteria. GOOD! arghh the feeling is just so ... wonderful!

For Dylan. I am still trying to steal some time to read the Peter and Jane series with him. Last night we did some reading with his text book. Oklah at least I am doing something with him. Seram sebenarnya as he is already 6 years old. 

For the so many activities I am lacking behind, I am not going to focus on baby yet... bacakan dia buku sikit2 adalah. Tapi I was not going to make a schedule for her.

Note: After the mc stories, my hormone level is back to normal. Magic sangat!

Project Cooking : Lasagna

During my sick leave, I am doing nothing.

The only thing I am motivated to do is cooking.

So for today's dinner, I am experimenting with... Lasagna.

I bought the lasagna "sheet" not sure what do people call it. I am an amateur so please forgive me.

The box said "oven ready in 25 mins".

I was contemplating on what to do with it, should I boil, or should I just put in the oven, it was hard, like a spaghetti. The box did not put instruction to "boil" it.

I was so lazy to google. Logic said I have to boil it. So I did. 

Again, I wasn't sure if I were to boil it, should I put all 4 sheets together in the pan?

So I tested 1 sheet first. Then, I lost my patience, I boiled 3 sheets together. The experiment resulted in my decision to boil 1 by 1 as it stick to each other if I put all. (please dun laugh at me as this is my first time ever doing lasagna).


And the sauce is the leftover bolognese that I have frozen it.


I am not sure what to do with the base. I took the picture of lasagna from the box as my reference. However, I grease the bottom with margerine. I am not sure why haha.. So it will be easy to take off? hehehehe....


So lay 1 piece, put the cheese all over. I am using mozarella cheese. then the sauce. then lay 1 more and repeat..


for the top piece, it doesn't make sense to me to put sauce, so I kind of do it as a cover. then put maximum cheese to cover it.


Heat the oven for 5 mins. I use 175 degree cel ( i think so far this temp works for me), and 25 mins as per recommended by the box.


And the results of my first experiment?


My daughter who decline "rice and fish ball soup" dinner - (I made this dinner for the sick children. Two of them are having athma attack and a bit runny nose). she want second serving after the first try.


Then the 2 younger ones who already have rice dinner requested for a plate each and second serving for each of them. The lasagna actually for my husband's dinner. Their dinner should have been the fish ball soup.


By the time my husband came back home, the lasagna was half left. I hope it will be enough for him. I smsed him I still have rice with some simple dishes if that wasn't enough. I was upstairs and lazy to go down. hehe...


(ok i am sick so please mind me)...


My husband said it was so good. The dessert also good. I made one more time the bubur chacha. I asked him, so how do you think my cooking skill has been improving?


He said, yes 10 over 10 now.


Hehe... And I replied, you did not say that because you do not want any problem with me right? hehehehehe....


Btw. Adam and Hawa is now in RIA channel. 2nd episode now.. wee more things to watch!

Project: Cooking and Kids development

First. Project Cooking.

Over the past few days (of holidays) I cooked simple dishes and experiment them with my family and a fren (who came to give me home "post natal" massage. She works with Belaian Wellness Spa Seksyen 9, Bangi - near to Kagumas).

Here are my menu.

1st night.

Sambal sotong campur udang sedap (licin! I think the sambal tu yang buat dia sedap kot)

Kacang buncis ala "chan" with udang kering, tauhu and tempe sangat best (sold out!)

The next day, more kampung dishes.

Sambal tumis bilis (jawa style - it is white rather than red)

Telur hancur (my comfort food too so it is my mum's style)

Butter prawn with curry leave - walaupun tak jadi macam di kedai, maybe baunya ada so habis nasik seperiuk anak2 I makan...

2nd night was italian night.

Hawaiian pizza with a lot of mixed cheese, chicken mince meat, pineapple, mushroom, capsicum (sold out!)

Sambal bilis pizza (inspired from dominos sambal bilis pizza) (ni ada lebih, pedas kot)

Spaghetti Bolognese (sold out gak)

Dessert : bubur chacha (habis seperiuk you....)

Last night dinner wasn't that special.

Sausage with capsicum, cabbage and carrot - in my attempt to get the kids to makan sayur, i potong2 kecik sayur tu and let the sausage overwhelm it. It was my first time trying, so my kids tak biasa makan sausage with rice, so akhirnya cuma lauk yang sold out.

Tumis kobis with tempe and udang. - this is my comfort food with cili padi so obviously I yang bedal lah.

The dessert is something that I am VERY proud of. I have bought this instant BUTTER CAKE NONA for quite sometimes. Tapi I lupa i tak bawa mixer dari Singapore. So it was lying around it the cabinet for a month. 

Petang semalam, I tak tahan dah. I teringat I ada watch TV or read somewhere years back that I can actually use blender to pukul mentega dan telur. I dun have to have mixer. Of course, the other alternative is using my hand, tapi I masih belum kuat and my mental belum stabil lagi untuk ada kesabaran tu kan haha!

Pada sesiapa yang tak tahu, (macam I), let me share how to use blender to do this.

Masukkan telur (4 biji in my case) ke blender. Blend lah sampai putih. (In my case, kesabaran I tak berapa tinggi, so kuning keputihan jer)

lepas tu, I made a terrible mistake which is to put the butter (250g buttercup) in the blender mix with the eggs (due to tak sabar dan malas tunggu).It doesn't work even though I cuba kisarkan dia few times...

But it is still ok. (caution, you have to have your instinct and experience before the next decision...hehe)

Keluarkan semua butter yang dah termix dengan telur, put in a small periuk.

Heat it up, remember ada telur, so you really have to be very very careful. You just need to get all melted and quickly put back in the blender. Jangan panas sangat.

And after that, you blendlah sampai keputihan......... pour dalam bekas... Mix it sedikit demi sedikit with the instant flour. Mix it well until it blended well ya.

Lepas tu masukkan dalam bekas.

In my case, I tunggu dengan suspense sebab I tatau naik ke tidak kek i ni. The kids already gathered around the oven tak sabar, so that did not helplah kan sebab nanti mereka kecewa kalau tak jadi hehehehehe...

45mins, 175 degree celc later, "keting....!" haruslah naik kek i tu. Tapi you all tau kan, dun open the oven immediately, let the cake rest at least 10-15mins.

And the results, the smell is so good that everyone eat the cake first before the rice. ada yang tak makan nasi pun ada makan kek saja..... bapa dia pun excited gak hehe.....

Butter cake panas2 memang so refreshing dan sedappppp... The texture is still good for the next day. My baby ate it more than 3 slices just for today.

Next time, I will melt the butter first baru mix with eggs, also using blender. I will only get my mixer on my next trip to Singapore so meanwhile ni sajalah solutionnya hehe....


Second. Project Kids development.


I have started "Peter and Jane" 2b with Dylan. He now could recognize we, and, were, they, play, dog.


Dylan is a bit behind as compared to the sister and brother. At his age, kakak dia dah 6 ke 8a dah. Infact DD got first place in her reading class dulu @ Krista.


I read with DS as well. But have not got the time to read with DD. But I am happy I have started something with them.

Miscarriage story

The nurse asked me as part of their routine,  "How many times have you been pregnant?"

14.


14?


Yes.


You have any surviving kids?


Yes. 4.


So that's make it 10 miscarriages?

Yes.


Any operations before?


Yes. 2 ectopic out of that 10 miscarriages.


2?


Yes.


Which fallopian tube?


Both left. but right one they operated on as well as there was water.


They took out your fallopian tube?


No. both still intact.


still intact?


(yes, thank you Allah for giving GREAT ideas to Dr Sheila Loh of KK hospital, Singapore)


******************


It was not easy dealing with miscarriage even after you have 2 pairs of daughter and son each.


I thought I was ok with it. But it still hurt. I felt the emptiness, lost and everytime I heard babies crying, it just hurt me to the core.


Should we try for another one?


silent.


Aren't we too old for a baby?


silent. (I think my husband took the safest way to deal with me at this hormonal stage hehe)


Look at your white hair bang. should we really have a baby now? (hehe)


still silent.



How many do you think we should have? 2 more?



He still smile, menyeringai.. He knows he will not have any good answers either way.



But seriously. I think I want 1 or 2 more. tapi look at our schedule now. Look at DD's result and DS's development. We havent got time to find taekwondo class.


So maybe it will not be a good idea. period. let's just stop this idea. Kay.

Project: Birthday party for DS

Helloww!

and...Assalamualaikum WRM.

 

 

I have been missing for quite sometimes yeah? Let's catch up what I have been up to.

 

 

 

For the rest of last week - I or we have been worrying about my "pregnancy". After spending about RM1k, and a week of medical leave (but in between I popped-in to the office for a meeting (or two)), we lost the baby. Or should I say, we did not even see the baby, just the sack. We planned to have the D&C on that friday. However, due to some reason, we agreed with the doctor to just leave it be and delay the D&C. I hope we made the right decision.

 

 

That thursday. The doc still not sure about my condition. The bleeding da lain macam so my instinct told me I have lost it. I was a bit tired to "hope" so I just shake the news off. She said we will know by friday, the next day. After the appointment, I went straight to have a lunch meeting with the ex-GM who has joined other company just to catch up with her. Actually it is quite important to see her as something in the office has been bothering me and I just need her insight. She offered me a position in her new company but since my health is not stable, we just leave it be. I did not tell her the details of the "health problem". It was a good meeting anyway. I know I can always talk to her.

 

 

The friday of the D day. We know at least what to do next..

 

 

The Saturday. hubby and DS went to pick up my "10th year old 'step' cousin" for a boys sleep over. DS and him got along very well. Actually he is DD's age tapi rapat plak dengan DS.  The plan is he will stay at our place till tuesday morning.

 

 

The Sunday which is The Chinese New Year was the birthday party. Let me tell you how this being planned. It is not me who planned it by the way. The father and the son was planning it. I mean "suggesting" it and I am the last person to know (read, left to handle it all). His auntie from Singapore came all the way to celebrate his birthday. So terpaksalah I tempah kek and makanan. Nasib I tak payah keluar duit, kalau tak lagi I bengang. hehe.

 

I was a bit stressed sebab one by one ada jer guest yang cancelled. Yelah, long holiday masing2 pergi bercuti. The last minute change after their confirmation tu yang buat I stressed. Agaknya melayu adatlah gitu kot kan termasuk aku lah kot ada perangai gitu.... So akhirnya, I leave it to Allah. Jangan tak ada orang langsung yang datang sudahlah kan....

 

 

The Singapore guest came 1 hour earlier than we expected - the lunch not yet came at that time. Aku lagi sekali stress. Akhirnya aku terfikir nak preparekan finger food. Mulanya aku memang plan, tapi sebab aku ni kan ker baru "miscarriage" I thought I will be excused from cooking. But I forgotten I didn't broadcast this news kan so sapa jer lah tau kan hahahaha..... Believe it or not, aku yang dulu sangat cekap, boleh blur... Siblah blur skejap je. Alhamdulillah.

Owh btw, I just want to demonstrate since the renovation project, aku senang stress jer sekarang. Maybe coz I was pregnant?  Maybe just too much of events to handle etc..

 

 

The party is considered successful. About 20 people came. My uncle commented about the house "berapa ko spend buat ni semua?" "xxk?" "Tu yang ko lepas tu tak ada duit beli sofa bagai?" haha!

 

 

Cute kan?

 

 

Honestly, it doesn't bother me at all. Sebab it is not a problem as at now. The house is functional for us and the kids, that is all that matters.

 

 

Just for everyone's info, there will be no phase 2 project until April 2013 at least.

 

 

We are also into project: Umrah Feb-Mar 2014. This time we planned for a DIY umrah with family.

 

 

Project backyard. I am still undecisive how to plan for this project. I hate to do small project and prolong it coz I am not having the discipline to keep up. I hate to hurt the rumput juga. So as at now, I am just going to look at it without having any feeling to improve it. hehe.

 

 

Sorry no picture. Sepanjang-panjang nak organize birthday party tu, aku sangat nervous, takut orang tak datang. takut makanan tak datang, takut makanan tak cukup, lebih, tak sedap etc etc etc.

 

 

I was so focusing on how to make everyone enjoyed the party and to ensure everything is in order. The guest ada tempat duduk, tempat solat, etc etc. It was quite a nerve wrecking situation so taking photo was the last thing on my mind. It was soooo stressful.

 

 

Monday, the Singapore guest "check out" (as my nephew put it). I think only on today, my husband realized how he loves my cooking. hehehehehee... sebab? We planned to go for a lunch tapi tempat tu tutup, my husband cakap "bagus gak, boleh abah makan ulang lagi nasik goreng ibu.." hehehehehehe... I told you, just give me nice kitchen, I can cook! For years tak dengar komen gitu ok.

 

 

Tuesday. We sent our last guest (my 'step' cousin) home and took the opportunity to window shop at 1Utama. That window shop ends up with RM1.6k investment. Grrr!

 

 

We have been hunting for a good dictionary for DS mandarin "tatabahasa" dan "buat ayat", tapi tak dapat. Adalah dalam 4 kedai buku kitorang pegi... Someone suggested online dictionary. I remember a year back I read in redmummy.com dia belikan anak dia BESTA dictionary. I remember it was expensive. It is indeed expensive.

 

 

Sebab malas nak fikir and to end our misery (as in tengok banyak sangat pangkah dalam buku DS), we all beli jer lah. Lepas tu, ada plak PWP, spend RM100 boleh dapat beli vision 3.5l 129 jer dari 269. So I was pleading my hubby to let me take this opportunity to buy. So that is how we end up with spending some $$$$$$$$...  in just a day.

 

 

Told DS, that amount cd buy me an awning, so he better study well!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Office story

I am still on medical leave.

 

Too bad that my boss is also on medical leave. So terpaksalah pepagi buat conference call untuk settlekan a few things.

 

I senang stress plak sekarang ni. Dulu I steady pom pom pit.

 

Hari-hari yang mendatang, rasa macam tak seronok lagi. Alahai, baru pindah rumah, perasaan best tu macam sekejap jer lepas tu datang pulak ujian kerja. For 2 years, kerja bagi aku is so easy. Everything I can handle.

 

Now maybe a bit different. Maybe ujian to step up the game ke apa kan? ker sebab dah mundane, not a challenge anymore ker? entah!

 

Dah 2 posts about "my worries and office", it must have been bothering me a lot. This blog should only be about projects not luahan rasa.. ops!

 

Will be back with projects posts. (maybe projects : resignation or tukar kerja ker kan) hahahhahaa!

 

tak lah, I setia. lagipun sapa nak bayar rumah ni kang! huhu....

Pretty much mundane

I think I am going through some "phase" now. I am confused myself.

2 things that are bothering me. 1 of which will impact the second decision. 

I am communicating with one of "someone" and though it sounded like a great escape plan but maybe I can't.

So pretty much life will be mundane. In addition,  I am hating "someone" now as I could not see how serious he is about maintaining the governance.

My plan is I have no plan. I am just going with the flow. 

House talk. We received our 3rd batch of guest. So far, sitting down on the floor is not a problem. So maybe I will take longer time to get sofas etc.

10th will be the birthday celebration of my 2nd son. They made plan without my knowing. But I could not afford to be upset.

It will be a simple feast. I plan to get his fren to stay overnight. His cousins will also come down from Singapore. So for next few days, I will be focusing on what to order, how to do this as simple as I can but fun.

Sorry since I am in a confused state, my blog tone is pretty much "gloomy"... Maybe I will be okay in 1-2 months or so. 

My boss will be leaving, my colleague who has been with the company for more than 4 years will be leaving too. Since it is not easy to be in the ceo's office I have beginning to feel the stress even before they gone. It is like going to war zone with all the rifles aimed at you. It is something like, "not to be blame, lets put the blame on others kind of things". So you have to be on your toes all the time. And you have to outwit them. Them is including the GMs. So you tell me. The type of excuses sometimes is just out of this world I tell you. 

So who will I turn to now my support systems are gone? Allah. Human being? None.