Hit rock bottom

I tried to be as calm as possible.

I tried to change how I handle things. For years, when I faced with challenges, I will talk about it again and again, until I can think of something. Apparently that makes others felt uncomfortable.

So for the sake of improvement, I tried to leave it to Allah, tried to push it away while hoping it will resolve on its own. Of course along the way I am trying as hard as possible to change my future.. tried also with solat sunat though I must admit, it might not be done fully hearted or not with the sincerity. I took it for granted that Allah will help me to resolve and give me the best things and the best solutions.

And it has been almost 2 months now and I still do not have any good news.

My analysis. Maybe Allah wants to train me.

1. Do not take things for granted
2. I have to work harder to convince HIM that I really want this so bad
3. I must put a sincere faith in HIM
4. Allah wants to train me to be in a humble position and only in this state I remember him the most.

It bothers me when I could not control the situation I became so sad. Of course when I had this feeling, I tried to think of a friend who had just lost her mum. That is irreversible. It is more real than my problem. You could not make your mum live again and that is a fact and something you cannot control. and the feeling of this loss is of course MORE terrible than the feeling of mine right now.

But does that make me feel better? in a way yes, but I still feel crappy.

Since I can't talk about it to any friends but dalam rasa nak meletop (because it is not my nature to keep something inside) at the same time I do not want to bore people with my problem, I decided.. ok let's put it down in my blog. I hope it will make this crappy feeling go away for good.

Pasrahlah. Redhalah.

What's up actually?

Do you have 1 mole that always bother you even though you are not bothering her? I have one and I dun understand. She has the pretty face, the heights, slim and all. maybe she doesn't have the talent or better brain than mine but still, you might want pretty face than a good brain kan? If I were her, I will be thankful that I have a pretty face and not so talented coz you can fool people with your pretty face act macam boleh kerja kan?

So, why does she needs to use my name in her performance appraisal or in all her other "case studies" aka sesi mengumpat when she talked to other people? Though I am not her first victim, why am I her target anyway??? I have the answer, because she needs to do that so she looks better comparatively. I just refused to understand why she needs to do that because I do not do this dirty things. Whether you are talented or you performed, it is all within your means. why dragged others into your performance.

So I decided she is not my friend at all and stop layan her crap and the best move ever is not to talk to her again. I am hoping that will stop her from misquoting what I said and give her rooms to "convey" what I said to others.

Wrong. she did not give up. She observed even though she is not looking... she reports what I did or what I didn't. Best talent she has is .."convincing story telling". ehh malas nya layan. Lantaklah sana if you want to assume or you are the one who think this or that. I don't really care.

So after ignoring her and stop talking to her pun tak jalan, I plan to quit the job. I wish and wish she never sit near to me. It did not happen apparently. Selagi I am associated with her mungkin selagi tu asyikla dia nak menggunakan nama I sebagai contoh macamana dia lebih baik dari I.. aahh cheapnya. So the best plan is to quit the plan and find another job so I could never have to see her and manage the damage she did using my names. Malas ok. Banyak lagi masalah dunia lain boleh fikir. Setakat kerja, boleh jer tukar. The job also has reach its end of life, I have to move on. So the time is just right.

So here comes the problems yang paling I tak boleh control. I COULD NOT FIND A NEW JOB.

there.

I attended few interviews with big organizations. And now I do not know how to move forward, looking at her on daily basis killed me. I have so much hatred but I could not say it to her face. I have a lot to say and most of it not a nice words and I have been keeping it inside. I am not that type. I am an outspoken person and keeping things inside is just not me. I am doing it for the sake of self improvement and tried to be a good muslim lah konon. I tried to forgive but macam tak ikhlas jer.. sebab still perasaan tu ada jer dalam belakang kepala ni ha. So dari dosa baiklah belah. Nak suruh dia yang belah, boleh ker? tak boleh kan?

So I do not know.. why Allah still have not send me HIS help. I know He will soon but this waiting game is killing me literally. I no longer want to go to work. I am sick always. or the situation makes me creating sickness but I feel I am sick on daily basis.

Or is it because I tried so hard to be someone I am not? Should I just give her one tight slap? As long as I am happy?

So moving on to 2nd alternative. Do own business rather than get disappointed with no job offer.

And so I did the brainstorming with my friends...

krik..krik...krik...

I am quite worried, I still do not know if it can pays the bill.

"ACTlah do not continue worrying"... I told myself.

I felt I macam nak pengsan. You build your career, you attended this training that training, and then it came down to this. sapa pun tak offer kerja and you are not good enough to start on your own.

.........eh negativenya...

but I need to write this negative down so it will come out from my blood and stay in this blog forever.


Today, I would like to remember that I hit the rock bottom and the above is my exact thoughts. Sekian.